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The 12 steps for cyber-imperialists anonymous

Step 1—I admitted I was powerless over that addictive computer game, AOE (Age of Empires), and my life had become unmanageable. For hours, I think of nothing but the construction of barracks, docks and siege workshops. I command my forces, balancing their mobility, strengths and armor level to optimize the attack. Last week I told my wife, “Hold on, dear, I just accumulated the requisite quantities of food, wood, stone and gold to build a pyramid.” She was not impressed. She pulled the plug on my universe, muttering something about losing reservations for our first anniversary dinner. I had to admit I was virtually addicted to imperialism. After dinner, I plugged my computer back in, and signed up online for AOEholics Anonymous.

Step 2—I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. The online support group Ultimate Player (UP) could point me in the right direction, just as I used to direct a villager to chop wood, or an army of elephant-mounted archers to attack an enemy guard tower. This would be easier than thinking for myself.

Step 3—I made a decision to turn my will and my life to the care of the Ultimate Player, as I understood Him. I began to follow the guidance of the UP as it was laid out on the Web site. Gradually, I stopped hearing the military sound track and seeing the images of catapults firing flaming rocks at my little ancient Greek houses when I tried to fall asleep or ride the bus to work.

Step 4—I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Destroying other societies could be construed as antisocial behavior, I realized. The game propagates a male-dominated, competitive, violent world in which materialistic collection, creation and destruction define the meaning of existence. I could easily squander half a day on this silly game, without noticing the cramps in my neck, legs, and arms.

Step 5—I admitted to the Ultimate Player, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. I e-mailed the coordinator of the online help group to admit I never tried to work in cooperation with other empires. I avoided collecting all the artifacts, gaining control of all the ruins or even building a wonder. I just wanted to crush my enemies.

Step 6—I was entirely ready to have the Ultimate Player remove all these defects of character. I was ready for the UP to upgrade my moral armor and increase my spiritual attack strength for dealing with life in general. I was ready to use my computer for good, worthwhile productivity instead of evil, pointless gameplay.

Step 7—I humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings. I looked in the mirror at my bloodshot eyes. After hours of staring transfixed at the computer screen, I had trouble focusing. I called out to the UP, asking for guidance on how to play with real people.

Step 8—I made a list of all the people I had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9—I made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I began washing the dishes without my wife applying a half-nelson. I e-mailed my mother to let her know I was still alive. I would have given them both chocolates, but I decided it might be bad for their health.

Step 10—I continued to take personal inventory and, when I was wrong, promptly admitted it. I am gradually kicking the habit. I now allow myself only one game a week, on Sunday morning. Last time I lost, I realized I made a foolish mistake. I should have built up my cavalry more before I attacked the Babylonian empire.

Step 11—I sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with the Ultimate Player, praying only for knowledge of His will for me, and the power to carry that out. Now I spend my time surfing the Net, the virtual manifestation of the UP, all-knowing and all-connected. I recognize that money still influences what information is available to me, but this is the closest thing I can do to feel at one with the universe. I can only assume He is pointing me in the right direction. And I can only hope He is a better player than I am.

Step 12—Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I tried to carry this message to other AOEholics, and to practice these principles in all my affairs. I am e-mailing this message to other AOEholics. I’m setting up a Web page warning of the dangers of the addiction. Like the little bearded holy men converting enemy armies, I encourage others to respect all life, real and virtual. I am fulfilling the will of the Ultimate Player, and in the end, I will be victorious.